How to cultivate Resilience

As I mentioned in the last blog: the pinnacle of resilience is to be able to move in and out of emotional objectivity at will or as we discovered last time: to climb up and down the staircase of objectivity when you need to. When you master this skill, a remarkable transformation occurs as you will become able to see your world clearer as you become unburdened by the weight of your own emotions. This vantage point allows the solutions to your challenges to come into sharper focus.

The first step in cultivating resilience is to know what the components or factors of resilience are or what each step toward emotional objectivity is compiled of. By understanding and spending time contemplating each of these factors, you will understand how your emotions are born and why you feel the specific emotions you feel. The last three steps of the staircase are dedicated to emotional growth and teaching you strategies to manage three most difficulty emotions people feel, namely anger, anxiety and sadness. Let’s look at the first factor influencing the start of your emotions: your life philosophy.

Step One: Your Life Philosophy

The first step on the staircase is discovering what the philosophy is that you govern your life by. This philosophy is the rulebook that guides your decisions and create the emotions that arise in you. Your life philosophy is a combination of several values that you hold dear and determine the rules that you choose to guide your life by.

Your life philosophy is formed by a combination of biological factors that mother nature has bestowed on you (nature) and the environmental exposure that you have had throughout your life (nurture).  Biological factors include the temperament or personality that you were born with and inherited from your ancestors as well as the tendency towards a mindset that they have held. The environmental factors include the experiences that you have been exposed to and what you have learnt from these experiences. They have helped you choose values and formed the rules that you choose for your life.

Discovering your personal life philosophy and the unique values it is composed of can be a pivotal moment for many people. This discovery is the foundations upon which your live unfold and shapes your perspectives and choices. Understanding this is like deciphering the hues of the lenses through which we see the world.  When we have this insight, we understand where our thoughts and emotions come from.

You may be thinking  "What do you mean by values and a life philosophy?", "why do I need to uncover mine? And “what bearing does it have on the emotional issues that I am facing now?"

 To explain this, I draw the following diagram:

The origin of emotions

Put simply, your life philosophy shapes the things you hold dear, value and cherish. These cherished values, in turn, determine your thoughts and govern the frequency you think these thoughts. The frequency and content of your thoughts determine the emotions you feel.

In short

As an example think about a mother that may have a disabled child and that treasures motherhood because it gives her significant meaning. Her self-assessment as a good mother hinges on her conviction that she provides diligent care to her children. To her, adeptly addressing her children's needs and disabilities equates to being a good mother.

Her approach to problem-solving sprouts from her belief that no problem in life is insurmountable. She believes that every individual on this planet confronts multiple challenges each day and that her difficulties are not unique. She believes that every problem has a solution waiting to be found and that it is her duty to find it. This core belief guides her behaviour and emotions and prevents her from succumbing to helplessness. Instead of dwelling on "I can't solve this," that would invariably lead to "I'm not a good mother" and a descent into despair, she embraces a mindset of "I have not found the solution to this problem, yet." For as long as she looks for an answer, she remains, in her eyes, a good mother.

This life philosophy frees her from frequently becoming hopeless, helpless and despairing. Rather than ruminating on the belief that "there is no solution to managing my children's disabilities and they are too severely intellectually impaired to ever care for themselves," she actively engages with the query, "What must I establish for them now to ensure their lifelong care? What support do they require for us to explore their potential? Are there uncharted paths that may nurture their abilities, such as forming a protective network around them so that when I am gone, they will be cared for?"

But how might you become aware of and cultivate your life philosophy? One approach is to think about the ultimate destination you want to reach in your life.

Exercise: What does your ultimate destination look like?

To find out what your end destination or Nevada is, allow yourself to develop a snapshot of what your ideal destination looks like. If you have no idea, use the following to help your visualization: 

1. Find a Quiet Space: Choose a quiet and comfortable place where you won't be disturbed. This could be a cosy corner in your home, a park, or any peaceful location.

2. Get Comfortable: Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to relax.

3. Recall Your Nervada: Think about your favourite, relaxing, happy place. It could be a beach, a forest, a meadow, or any location that makes you feel calm and content.

4. Engage Your Senses: Start by focusing on each of your senses:

Sight: Imagine the colours, shapes, and scenery surrounding you there in of your happy place.

Sound: Recall the sounds you would hear there, like waves, birdsong, or gentle breezes.

Touch: Feel the temperature, texture, and sensations of your surroundings like sand under your toes, a warm fluffy blanket surrounding you or the squishy feel of a pool lounger under you.

Smell: Imagine the scents and fragrances in the air, such as the ocean breeze or the scent of flowers or delicious food.

Taste: Imagine a wonderous taste that may await you in your favourite place such as a zingy lemon ice cream or the taste of any other food you love.

6. Create Safety: If you wish you may choose to invite a protective spiritual force or a physically protective structure to help you feel safe in your special place. You may want to have an angel or a protective shield that surrounds your place.

7. Create a Mental Snapshot:As you visualize your happy place, create a vivid mental snapshot. Try to make it as detailed and realistic as possible. When the picture comes to you touch the thumb and forefinger of the same hand together: this is your anchor. Whenever you feel stressed, unhappy or unsure, you can just touch the thumb and forefinger of the same hand together and you will be straight back at your special place feeling as relaxed and confident as you did when you visualised it.

In the next blog we will dive deeper into the essence of self-discovery – your personality and the values you hold dear.