Blog 12: Managing Notorious Emotions – Anger

Anger is a tricky emotion because it involves our values and, typically, our explanations of what we see as right and wrong. It is difficult to shift because it represents a threat to our core – namely, our beliefs and values.

In her book Change Your Thinking (Edelman, S. (2013). Change Your Thinking, 3rd Ed. Sydney: ABC Books), Sarah Edelman explains that “anger is our response to the perception that something is bad or unfair” and that it involves a threat that makes us feel wronged, offended or endangered in some way.

So, when you notice that you are angry, it helps to ask yourself:

a) Why do I feel offended, or which of my values is being attacked?

b) What threat does this situation create for me?

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Anger in Context

If you look closely at historical events involving extreme violence – such as the Holocaust – you will see that these events were preceded by a perceived threat. For example, Hitler was deeply affected by Germany’s defeat in World War I, which he believed was caused by a Jewish conspiracy. He also blamed Jews for his personal struggles as an artist in Vienna.

By using anti-Semitic beliefs as a political tool, he gained support and consolidated power in the 1930s. He scapegoated Jewish people for Germany’s economic problems, which allowed him to rally his supporters and create a sense of national unity. This anger ultimately fuelled one of the most heinous crimes in human history. Underlying these crimes were distorted beliefs and values rooted in bigotry, racism, and intolerance.

How Anger Shows Up

The behaviour that anger evokes can range widely – from mild to extreme. It may involve:

• withdrawing,

• losing your temper,

• becoming aggressive,

• acting impulsively,

• saying things you later regret,

• becoming violent, or, at its worst,

• acts of war and genocide.

  
  

Another consequence of anger is unhelpful rumination. Anger-based thoughts often loop in our minds much longer than other emotions, replaying scenarios with “should” statements:

“He said … and then I said … I should have told him … how dare he!”

These thoughts feel justified because they appeal to our sense of right and wrong – but they keep us stuck.

The Link with Anxiety

Anger, like anxiety, triggers the body’s fight-or-flight response. If you recall the last time you were angry, you might remember:

• your heart beating faster,

• breathing becoming shallow,

• muscles tightening,

• your face flushing,

• feeling hot or sweaty.

  
  

This is the body’s primitive survival response, preparing us to fight or flee from a perceived threat.

However, anger differs from anxiety in that it overrides feelings of vulnerability, fear, or hurt (the “flight” response) by making us feel powerful and strong (the “fight” response). Anger also tends to last longer than anxiety because its explanations are tied to our values. Since values are the cornerstones of our identity, we naturally resist giving them up – even when they are keeping us trapped.

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First Step: Calming the Fight-or-Flight Response

The first step in managing anger is calming your body so that you can regain perspective. This is like moving from the dance floor (where anger takes over) up to the balcony (where you can observe more objectively). From the balcony, you can decide what needs to be done or learnt from the situation.

Below are several evidence-based techniques that can help.

1. Defusing the Amygdala Hijack

Daniel Goleman (2005) coined the term “amygdala hijack” in his book Emotional Intelligence. It describes an intense emotional response triggered by the amygdala – the almond-shaped brain structure responsible for processing emotions. An amygdala hijack happens when the primitive brain shuts down our rational thinking in favour of a strong emotion because it senses a real or imagined danger. The amygdala signals the body to prepare for a fight-or-flight response.I think of the amygdala as a fire alarm that sounds and forces all other activity to stop, because we of a threat (the fire).

Anger is the most common emotion associated with an amygdala hijack. When it is triggered, you may experience a sudden surge of intense anger, accompanied by physical sensations commonly seen with the fight-or-flight response such as an increased heart rate, rapid breathing and a surge of adrenaline. You may act impulsively, say or do things you later regret, have difficulty calming down and ruminate long even after the threat has passed.

This hijack is usually short, but the emotional after-effects can linger. On average, it takes around 20 minutes before the rational brain re-engages. So, when you become aware of your anger, set your clock for 20 minutes and commit to not respond for at least 20 minutes to get your perspective back and to allow yourself to change back from prehistoric animal and to become a thinking person! Think of the amygdala hijack as you temporarily losing all voluntary ability to leave the dance and start climb the steps to the balcony for perspective.

20 minutes can however be a long time to wait when you are intensely emotionally aroused. You may therefore need a bit of help during these 20 minutes to manage your anger.  In her book Change your Thinking, Sarah Edelman created the “Defusing the Amygdala Hijack” technique that may help you too:

Worksheet 29: Defusing an Emotions Hijack

1.     Label and observe: When you notice the physical symptoms of anger such as your heart rate increasing and the other symptoms of the fight-or-flight response, make sure to mentally label this as an “Amygdala Hijack”. Say out loud to yourself “I am going into Amygdala Hijack”.

Now turn your focus inward and notice what is happening to your body. You can visualize your amygdala firing up pulsating and sending ‘high alert’ alarm to all parts of your body. When you label and observe what is going on inside of your body, you move your attention away from the threat-focussed information to your own cognitive processes. This may reduce your reactivity and make it possible for some parts of the pre-frontal cortex to re-engage.

2.     Breathe: Take a few slow, deep beaths to help lower the physical arousal, again distracting from the threat-focussed thinking to re-engage the prefrontal cortex.

3.     Leave: Physically remove yourself from the triggering situation if possible: go for a walk, go and sit outside or leave the room or go to the bathroom or another room. Once away continue to focus on your breathing. This will prevent you from being in harm’s way during the heigh of the hijack period when you may have an intense urge to attack.

4.     Exercise: Try to do some exercise to burn off the adrenaline such as walking, running, going to the gym or simply doing some vigorous gardening or housework.

2. Turning Inward

As mentioned before, anger results in a lot of ruminating thinking. You may think “He said … and I said…. and then he said…. I should have told him …. how dare he!” This thinking keeps us in an intimate relationship with the person we hate and take up a lot of our time and our energy. We find ourselves often ruminating on all types of punishment that we will give to get the offender to feel powerless or sorry for us. When we do this, we feel good because we think that we get justice and we affirm the values that we hold onto.

When we are in the rumination cycle, we continue to be highly emotional and this makes examining our explanations logically very difficult, because the prefrontal cortex continues to be sidestepped by the amygdala hijack.

One way to deal with ruminations is by using mindful observation.

This technique is helpful when you are not able to generate helpful or logical explanations for the situations that triggered your anger. This happens because the anger is still too intense or ‘hot’ and the amygdala has not yet stopped sounding the alarm.

Worksheet 30: Turning Inward

When you feel that the tug between the anger and the rumination is continuing, turn inward in yourself and start observing your responses with a curious mind. The goal of this exercise is to be present, observe yourself with curiosity and to not judge yourself.

1.      Notice how your thoughts are darting around and how hard it is to stop this. Notice the overall themes of your thoughts and what they are related to. Can you identify the injustice, betrayal and revenge in your thoughts? Notice how these thoughts and themes constantly return. When you notice a thought pop into your mind try to label it: “that is an angry rumination”, “that is a thought of injustice”, “that is a blaming thought”.

2.      Notice what physical sensations there are in your body: feel your pulse to get an indication of the rapidity of your heart rate. Notice how hot or cold you are feeling. Notice what muscles are tensed up and on a scale of 0-10 how tense they are. Notice if you are clenching your jaw or bunching your fits or have an angry scowl on your face. It sometimes helps to look at yourself in a mirror to get a good look of what your body looks like when you are angry.

3.      Notice your behaviour and emotions. Rate the intensity of your anger on a scale of 0-10, with 0=no anger at all and 10=the angriest you have ever felt. Notice the behaviours that you are trying to suppress such as lashing out or trying to punish or berate or swear at the object of your anger.

By doing this you will create some space to process your thoughts helping you step back on to the balcony.

3. Extending Time-Out

Taking 20-60 minutes away from the situation will usually end the amygdala alarm. However, if it does not and you find that your emotions continue to run high after 60 minutes have passed, it may help if you have some pre-planned time-out activities available to distract yourself from your ruminating. Once you realise that you need more time out say to yourself “I need more time out” and focus on your planned activity.

For example, Jane, a mum with a severely disabled daughter, often gets very frustrated when her child does not want to eat the food she lovingly and painstakingly prepared for her. Jane fears that if she remains at the dinner table with her daughter she may smack or shout at her. Jane tells her husband “I need time-out” and takes 20 minutes to sit in the garden next to her water fountain. She listens to her book on Audible while her husband watches her daughter until she is calm enough to return.

4. Goal Focus and Persuasive Disputing

Once you have calmed the physical sensations down and have disengaged from the ruminating thoughts, the prefrontal cortex will be available to you again. This is the time to start focussing on your goals. When you do this, it will help you to look further into the future and help you get your perspective back. It will help you get back on the balcony and view the dance from above again. To stay focussed on the big picture is motivating because we can more clearly see the way to our goals and helps us to stop thinking in self-defeating ways.

Goal focussed thinking also helps us to let go of unhelpful thoughts. When we do this technique, we acknowledge the negative impact of our thoughts. This helps us to see the negative consequences of our angry thoughts, that will make it easier for us to give them up.

An example is to tell yourself that by continuing to think about the anger provoking situation you are staying in an intimate hug with the person or situation you hate. It is like you drinking the poison intended for the person that made you angry.

Worksheet 31: Persuasive Disputing

Ask yourself the following two questions:

1. “What are my long-term goals? This might include:

a) To get on with other people.

b) To be happy.

c) To be successful.

d) To have a good relationship with my partner and children.

e) To have a low stress life.

f)  To look after my health.

2. “Does this thinking or behaving help me achieve these goals?’

For example: Does staying angry with my husband help me have a happy stress-free marriage?

3. “Does this thinking or behaving help me to feel good?”

For example: does focussing on the injustice of the situation allow me to feel satisfied and get on with my life?

5. Physical Relaxation

By intentionally relaxing your body, you will also reduce the intensity of the fight-and-flight-response and this can in turn reduce the ruminations. You can follow the same intentional relaxation strategies that we used to manage your anxiety in the previous chapters to manage your anger, including Square Breathing, Progressive Muscle relaxation, Mindfulness Medication, Guided Imagery and Thought Stopping. Engaging in vigorous exercise will also help.

You can also adjust the “Worry-Time” technique discussed in the anxiety chapter to “Stewing Time” to deal with the angry thinking.

Worksheet 32: Stewing Time

Set a specific time each day in which you allow yourself to stew over the situation that made your angry but commit not to say or do thing that you will later regret. This time should not be more than 30 minutes and be at the same time each day.

When it is stewing time, you pay attention to your thoughts and emotions in a non-judgmental, accepting way, without acting on these thoughts by saying or doing anything your will regret later.

You may choose to write a letter or email to the offending person without sending the letter or email or sending the letter or email to someone you trust to get their opinion. You can call a trusted friend or family member to discuss the matter. You can also make an appointment with your counsellor to discuss the matter further.

You can use this time to do your persuasive disputing or to evaluate the nature of your angry thoughts (see the next section).

By scheduling specific ‘stewing times’ during the day, you will better control of your tendency to ruminate about the angry thoughts and reduce the arousal that comes with these thoughts.

6. Exploring Angry Thinking

Most angry thinking focuses on what others have done wrong and involve us blaming and condemning them for this. We often think “she made me mad” when in fact all that she did is provide a trigger that created the situation that we interpreted and thought about. The interpretation of the situation is entirely up to us: it is our own thoughts about the trigger that makes us angry.

Angry thinking is closely tied to the rules of life (values) that we cherish and think about. When we get angry, we interpret things as wrong or bad and we blame others for breaking our rules, when they may in fact not believe in these rules at all.

Our life rules are very difficult to give up because they help us make sense of the world around us. Holding onto them make us feel safe. It is the battle between the benefits of holding onto them and the difficulty enforcing them in every situation that causes to us ruminate. It is very difficult to give up our rules in some situations because it makes the world feel unsafe and unpredictable.

But if you can see the contradictions, it may be easier.

a.  Searching for your “shoulds”.

Should-thinking is the most common type of thinking that leads to anger. It is based on a rigid, inflexible way of thinking about how other people ought to behave and how the world around us should be. For example, Jane, the mum with the disabled daughter, gets angry because she thinks “my daughter should be grateful that I cook delicious meals for her within the limitations of the few ingredients that she can eat”. When her daughter spits out the food she thinks “she should not be so ungrateful and spoilt”, and this results in her getting angry.  Perhaps you could find the shoulds that resulted in past situations where you got angry. This will also help you identify your rules for life (values).

b. The Fair World Fallacy

You will often hear your angry friend saying, “that is just not fair!”, when they discuss a situation in which they got angry.  This is based on a common life rule that most of us hold: “the world is a fair place and that we should all be treated fairly.” Holding onto this belief makes the world safer for us because it is easier for us to expect justice than injustice. However, we also all know that this is a fallacy. You just need to watch the news every night to see how unfair and unjust the world actually is.

One way to deal with the Fair World Fallacy is to acknowledge that we live in an imperfect world. The only control we have over this is to change the unfairness that is in your power to change and to accept that that we are not able to change. A little like the Alcoholics Anonymous affirmation: “God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed”.

You can help yourself accept what you cannot change by telling yourself that people have differing rules they live by, that injustice happens to everyone at times and is an unavoidable part of our life. You can also be grateful for being privileged to have received more justice than injustice in your life or if you have been particularly unprivileged, that you have learnt much about who you are and what you hold dear through conflict-ridden situation. You may not have learnt this about yourself if you had not experienced the difficult situation. And then move on.

c. 50 Shades of Grey

Another thinking pattern that leads to anger is Black-and-White thinking. This is a rigid belief about how others should behave towards you and results in you being constantly on the hunt for other people’s misdemeanours. You are the judge and they the offender. Black-and-White thinking often results in name calling or stereotyping a person is some way. You will see this a lot when people are very angry and call each other derogatory names such as “you jerk” or more offensive names and is a dangerous thinking pattern because it often results in us hating others.

When you notice that you are name calling, go and search for the Black-and White thoughts and then remind yourself that you are being rigid.  Dancing the Fifty-Shades-of-Grey dance will be far more comfortable and enjoyable and deal with this inflexible pattern well.

You can make the Black-and-White thinking more grey by asking yourself:

“What aspects of the situation went well?

“What did you learn from this situation?”

“What did you like about the person that you encountered that you did not like or felt angry with?

d. Injustice is in the eye of the beholder.

Because anger comes from what we interpret as being right or wrong, one way of getting out of the rumination is by reminding ourselves that justice is in the eye of the beholder: what seems fair or right to us is often seen as unfair or wrong for someone else. For instance, an employer may think that they are really kind to offer a homeless refugee a job to help them to afford the essentials of life. However, the refugee may resent the employer while working for him because he becomes aware of the pay discrepancy that exists between his salary and those of his colleagues.

One way to deal with this is to ask yourself how might the other person have looked at the situation? Or what does the other person’s view of the dance from the balcony above possibly look like.

e. Perceived personal attacks.

We also tend to get angry when we think that the other person’s slight, unfairness, rudeness or aggression is a personal attack on us. This is because our angry explanations of the situation are personal and often results in thoughts like “How dare they do or say this to me…”.

One way to deal with these enraging thoughts is to remember that the other person’s expression and slight reflects their own life experiences, beliefs and communication styles.  These are often formed in their childhoods long before you most likely even knew them. In fact, what they did or said to you probably don’t have much to do with you at all. Rather, the situation between you provided a stimulus for these prior learnt responses to materialise. It is very unlikely that whatever slight they gave you is a personal attack on you, but rather pervious behaviour that they learnt and use to deal with their interpretation of a conflicting situation.

f. Empathy: How do their shoes feel?

One way to prevent yourself from taking the slights of others personally is to look at the situation with empathy. Ask yourself what could have happened to them to result in them dealing with the situation as they have? What raw deal did they get in life that may explain why they responded to the situation in the way that they did? Were they perhaps abused as a child, or did they perhaps learn to use violence in these situations to protect themselves?

Although thinking of this may feel like you are looking to excuse their behaviour, when you try to feel their pain, you may be less likely to take things as personally as you may otherwise do.

g. Laying down arms.

Another way to get out of the angry ruminations is to do something nice for the person that you have conflict with, without being obsequious. This is the opposite from killing them with kindness and involves consciously deciding to give up your feelings of animosity and to just do something nice for your enemy. By doing something genuinely nice for the person, without expecting anything positive in return, you will release some of the resentment and then be able to focus on more worthwhile things. You will also be able to enjoy the moral high ground because you behaved in a civil manner.

This was so beautifully enacted in the Sainsbury Christmas advertisement during which the Germans soldiers and the Allied soldiers started singing Silent Night at the same time when they were both in the trenches on Christmas night in 1917. This common focus helped them lay down their arms for a few hours and even helped them to trust each other to play a game of football together in no man’s land.

Have a look at the advertisement on You Tube and notice how laying down arms for a moment can change the anger significantly: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KHoVBK2EVE

6. Communicate Assertively

Communicating assertively when others have offended you gives them the opportunity to change their behaviour and even apologise to you. It also allows you to release your anger and will make you feel better about yourself and your own personal worth. This type of communication involves telling the person why you are upset in a calm and respectful, yet direct and clear way. It is an essential skill that will enable you to express your thoughts, feelings and needs while respecting the rights of the other person. It is the foundation for building healthy relationships, resolving conflict and creating understanding.

When you communicate assertively you express your opinions, needs and boundaries confidently and honestly without violating the other person’s rights. This is done when you communicate maintaining eye contact, using a moderate tone of voice and using active listening skills. Assertive communication is different from passive or aggressive communication because it allows you to balance being considerate of someone else’s feelings while also effectively expressing your own.

Assertive communication is especially beneficial for resolving conflict because it allows you to clearly state your concerns and to actively listen to those of the person you are in a dispute with. By actively listening to the other person’s explanations, you interact in a collaborative manner helping to resolve the differences between you because you look for mutually beneficial outcomes.

Here are a few examples of assertive communication:

a) Setting Personal Boundaries:

Situation: A co-worker frequently interrupts your work and distracts you from completing important tasks.

o   Non-assertive response: "It's okay, I don't mind. I can manage."

o   Aggressive response: "Can't you see I'm busy? Stop bothering me!"

o   Assertive response: "I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I need uninterrupted time to focus on my tasks. Could we schedule a time later to discuss this?"

b) Expressing Disagreement:

Situation: During a team meeting, a colleague proposes an idea that you strongly disagree with.

o   Non-assertive response: Silence, avoiding expressing your disagreement.

o   Aggressive response: "That's the worst idea I've ever heard. It will never work!"

o   Assertive response: "I appreciate your input, but I have some concerns about the idea. Can we discuss those points and explore alternative options?"

c) Giving and Receiving Feedback:

Situation: You are a team leader providing feedback to a team member who consistently misses project deadlines.

o   Non-assertive response: "It's alright if you didn't complete the task on time."

o   Aggressive response: "You're always late with your work! You're dragging the whole team down!"

o   Assertive response: "I've noticed that you've been missing deadlines recently. It's important for the team's success that we meet our targets. Can we discuss any challenges you're facing and find ways to improve?"

d) Declining Requests:

Situation: A friend asks you to lend them money, but you are unable to do so.

o   Non-assertive response: "Um, I'm not sure. Maybe I can help you later."

o   Aggressive response: "Are you kidding me? I'm not your personal bank!"

o   Assertive response: "I understand that you need financial assistance, but I'm unable to lend you money at this time. Is there any other way I can support you?"

e) Expressing Opinions: Assertive communication enables individuals to share their opinions confidently while respecting others' perspectives. For example, in a group discussion about a project, an assertive individual might say, "I understand that you have a different perspective, but based on my research and analysis, I believe this approach would be more effective."

f) Setting Boundaries: Assertive communicators express their boundaries in a respectful yet firm manner. For instance, someone who needs personal space might say, "I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I need some alone time right now. Let's catch up later when I'm available."

g) Addressing Criticism: When faced with criticism, an assertive response involves acknowledging the feedback while expressing one's own perspective. For instance, if someone says, "You always make mistakes in your work," an assertive individual might respond, "I understand your concerns, but I believe I have been consistently meeting the project requirements. Can you provide specific examples so we can address any potential issues?"

h) Requesting Support: Assertive communication allows individuals to seek support or assistance without feeling helpless or demanding. For example, if someone is overwhelmed with their workload, they might say, "I have a lot on my plate right now. Is there any way you could help me with some of these tasks?"

i)  Saying "No": An assertive response to a request one cannot fulfill involves expressing one's inability while suggesting alternatives. For instance, if someone asks for a favour that one cannot accommodate, an assertive reply might be, "I appreciate you asking, but I won't be able to do it today. However, I can assist you tomorrow or suggest someone else who might be available."

8. On the Spot Arousal Reduction (OTSAR)

The OTSAR technique is a six-step anger management strategy developed by Dr. Eva L. Feindler. It is the acronym for On The Spot Arousal Reduction and aims at helping individuals recognize and manage their anger by reducing physical arousal that is especially present during anger. I am mentioning this technique here because it is a combination of most of the techniques mentioned above, can easily be used anywhere and at any time. It includes breathing, relaxation, self-monitoring, thought stopping, distraction, calming affirmations and assertive communication.

Worksheet 33: OTSAR Technique

1. Observe: The first step is to observe your anger. Pay attention to the physical sensations in your body, such as tension in your muscles, increased heart rate, or rapid breathing. Also, notice any thoughts or feelings associated with your anger.

2.  Think: Next, think about what triggered your anger. Identify the specific event or situation that caused your anger. Ask yourself if your reaction is appropriate for the situation.

3.  Self-Talk: In this step, use positive self-talk to help calm yourself down. Tell yourself things like "I can handle this," "I can stay calm," or "I can find a solution." This can help reduce the intensity of your anger.

4.  Assess: Assess the situation. Evaluate your options and decide on the best course of action. Consider the consequences of your actions and choose a response that is most likely to lead to a positive outcome.

5.  Respond: Respond in a calm and assertive manner. Communicate your feelings clearly and respectfully. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements to avoid blame or accusations.

6.  Evaluate: Finally, evaluate the effectiveness of your response. Did it lead to a positive outcome? If not, think about what you could have done differently and how you can improve next time.

Conclusion:

You now have many techniques that you can choose to manage the three more notorious emotions including anger, anxiety and sadness/depression with. It is now up to you to commit to learning and implementing these techniques consistently to make your tree grow as strong as possible. How about it?