Blog 21: What would the ancient Stoics say about Coercive Control?

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviours designed to dominate another person through intimidation, manipulation, isolation, surveillance, financial restriction, and psychological abuse. Although the ancient Stoic philosophers never used this modern term, their teachings offer timeless wisdom that exposes why such behaviour is fundamentally incompatible with living a virtuous life.

The Stoics believed that the highest good was not power, wealth, or status, but virtue. To them, a person of character acted with justice, wisdom, courage, and self-control. Any attempt to dominate another human being for personal gain represented a failure of these virtues.

The Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius reminded himself that every person deserves to be treated according to reason and justice. He wrote that we are made to cooperate with one another "like feet, like hands, like eyelids." A relationship built on fear, intimidation, or manipulation is therefore contrary to nature because it replaces cooperation with control.

A husband who constantly checks his wife's phone, demands to know where she is every hour, and accuses her of being unfaithful whenever she spends time with friends would not be seen by a Stoic as acting with love. Instead, they would see it as reflecting an inability of the husband to govern his own emotions. The controlling partner has become enslaved by jealousy, insecurity, and fear rather than mastering these destructive impulses.

The Stoic teacher Epictetus argued that the only thing truly under our control is our own character and our own choices. We cannot control another person's thoughts, friendships, feelings, or decisions. Attempts to do so inevitably lead to suffering because they seek power over what is not ours to possess.

If a partner gradually isolates the other from family by insisting, "If you loved me, you wouldn't need anyone else," a Stoic would perceive this behaviour as being driven by attachment and fear, not wisdom. For Stoics, healthy relationships respect the freedom and dignity of both people, recognising that genuine affection cannot be forced.

The Stoic philosopher Seneca warned that anger is one of humanity's greatest enemies because it destroys judgment. In modern relationships, coercive control often includes explosive outbursts followed by apologies, promises to change, or blame directed at the victim. Seneca would likely argue that these cycles demonstrate not strength but profound weakness—the inability to govern one's own mind.

Financial control is another example. A partner who withholds money, monitors every purchase, or prevents the other from working seeks dependence rather than partnership. Stoicism teaches that external possessions should never become instruments for dominating others. Justice requires fairness, generosity, and respect for another person's capacity to make their own choices.

Perhaps the most powerful Stoic lesson for those experiencing coercive control is the distinction between what belongs to us and what does not. While another person's abusive behaviour may not be within our control, our response, our values, and our decision to seek safety remain our own. Stoicism is often misunderstood as encouraging passive endurance. In reality, it teaches courageous action guided by wisdom. Enduring injustice is not the same as accepting it.

The Stoics would likely remind us that love is never measured by possession, surveillance, fear, or obedience. A virtuous relationship is built on mutual respect, honesty, self-restraint, and justice. Where one person seeks to dominate another, virtue has already been abandoned.

More than two thousand years later, this ancient philosophy still offers a remarkably modern insight: the strongest person is not the one who controls others, but the one who has learned to master themselves.